Finding Martha

I am struggling. Procrastinating. Avoiding and stressed.

It is a jolly time of year and I am feeling anything but jolly.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like Christmas. Our children make it special. They get so excited about Santa’s visit, tree decorating and baking. However, this year, it has been harder than normal for me to get in the Christmas spirit.

Every year I struggle with emotions. I miss my family. They are so far away. I miss the way our Christmases were. Christmas Eve we would spend with extended family and enjoy a delicious meal together. We'd play with cousins and open presents. We were all together. I have fond memories of the good old days, when family members were still here with us. We didn’t have much but we had each other and I love those memories. They are so special. Change definitely upsets me this time of year. At my age, you’d think I’d just accept it but I miss my family and being together.

Is it the weather that has me blue? That is a possibility because in upstate New York we have about 2-3 inches of snow. I associate Christmas with snow-covered trees, fields, houses and roads. Oh, the wonderful white beauty of snow. I would like to wake up to a heavy snow fall Christmas morning and have 10 inches of snow already on the ground. I am not sure my husband would agree with that as he tends to the snow removal. However, it certainly would be delightful and beautiful. I know two kids that would jump for joy over snow. After opening presents, they’d quickly dress, grab their new sleds and head outside to the back hill. They’d sled until their cheeks were red and declare “hot cocoa time” as they undressed near the coal stove. I do hope we have snow over the holiday break. Personally, I want a run or two down the slope! That might be just what I need.

And to top this whole “mood” off, I am baked out and this is not the time of year to avoid the kitchen. I have two days to get cookies baked, frostings colored, candies hardening and marshmallows setting. I have managed to bake one sour cream cinnamon-pecan coffee cake, and one batch each of snowballs and spritz. I have the ingredients in my cupboards. I don’t need to go to the store for anything. What I need to do is put my apron on and stir, mix, roll, cut, boil, spread, sprinkle… you get the idea. Where do I find the motivation? My plan is to turn the radio on – hopefully to hear good Christmas music, ask the kids to join me and together we can get some treats made. I have never lost my “Martha” before. I need her back.

Will I find my Martha?